While taking an evening stroll at Sanky Tank, I had once observed an old couple. The man was very frail trying to walk with stick, the woman quite aged herself carrying a bag, his essentials, helping him walk slowly. That is when it struck me that women in the previous generation in India only become free when their husbands die. It is only after that they truly would think of themselves and their life. Till then, it completely revolves around their husband and his choices and needs.
Of course they still have to deal with the patriarchal society at large but that they are trained to deal with anyways right from birth. The constant looking over the shoulders, the constant fear before any action, the hundreds of calculations before any decisions, all this have to be taken care of when dealing with outside society. Society waiting for their fall, society waiting to pass judgement, society looking for blood to divert attention from its own failures.
But it is the family and close ones which are much more dangerous. The husband who rapes, the relative who molests, the in-laws who bicker, the brother who controls, the father who doesn’t stand with you and the silent ones from your own gender, these are the chains that leave them with many scars and decide their boundaries. The freedom I am talking are from these chains. From birth, she is chained by her father as he is now responsible for her and hence dictates everything to her. As she grows older, the brother shares the responsibility and starts dictating. And then with marriage the reigns are transferred to the husband. Much more demanding and much more ruthless, chains are tightened, expectations set and the life is expected to go on. There was no break from this for most of the women in the previous generation except to wait for her husband’s death and pray that her children will somehow just ignore her so that she lives her own life. Of course by then, most of them are too dependent and weak to do anything and make use of the opportunity. But still at least the choice to take some decisions, that freedom is much a relief in whatever form it is.
However, the present generation seem to have come a long way in this regard. While the chains from father, brother and husband still continue, the economic contributions that they make as the families need more and more working hands, in turn is giving them more options to consider. While many choose to free themselves from the chains of father and brother through this economic growth, many still end up in the hands of husbands who are waiting to lure them into the maze of marriage. After all human is a social being and hence the need for relationships continue to exists however torturous they are. Divorce hence has become the last door to freedom for many women where they are ultimately able to choose consciously on breaking the chains around them. The compatibility demon that break relationships, are in fact for many women a tool to break the chains from their husbands. After all, what is compatibility and adjustments if not in equal terms.
The path of divorce seems to be the only path of true choice for many women, the one where, finally, she is in control of her own actions, free from chains of expectations from the close ones as they discard her lest the other women in chains gets such ideas. The freedom is contagious and hence scares those who are controlling the society. The free women can cause many problems to the existing system of control. They corrode the chains of other women too, they help show the path to many others in their own situations. They assert their right to have a seat in different tables of society where the representation was always by men from the family. As more and more women choose to open the door of divorce, they are paving the way to many more women to freedom and forcing the society to reconsider so many of its own practices and mend itself.
While most of what I have written seems prophetic, I believe that the path itself is a much more rigorous exercise that the woman has to go through herself before she reaches the final decision and chooses to open that door. I will try to elaborate on it more in my next blog.
